The wind blew through the open windows of the old house, scattering loose bits across the worn floor. A large grey cat ignored its surroundings as it lapped at milk left in a cereal bowl on the kitchen table. Upstairs, a baby cried but no one responded. A drop of red splashed onto the white tile floor, adding to the growing puddle. Plop. Plop.
In the distance, thunder gave voice to the dark clouds that were moving swiftly toward the house. The garage filled with the exhaust from a cherry 1964 Mustang. With a full gas tank, it wouldn't stop anytime soon. Strong, white rope hung from a beam on the porch. It was stretched to max capacity as it held its load.
A child stood in the yard clutching a white blanket with red balloons stitched on it. She gazed at the house, "It's too late to save us."
Creeeeepy... (I was listening to the soundtrack to The Twilight Zone as I read).
ReplyDeleteTwo suicides...?
I think you have created an immediate sense of need to unravel a mystery. Why did the child say us? Is she referring to herself and the baby? Are there other children? Did the child mean, "too late" to save herself, the baby, and the adults or whomever is in the noose? Is there anyone in the mustang? It sets the table for intrigue. I might give a reference to the viewer, in other words "The wind blew through the open windows of the old house, scattering loose bits across the worn floor as I walked up the creaky steps..." Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks @Kyle Songer and @Steven64@! I appreciate the feedback. I think you're right @Kyle about giving the reader a reference. Good tip.
ReplyDelete@Kyle: Wow! I hadn't let myself think that far ahead since she'd just started. But you're right – just the short amount @Kirani's written brings up a bunch of intriguing questions.
ReplyDelete@Kirani: You've got a lot of work to do! lol But I'll definitely read when you do.
Thanks @Steven! I've been having some doubts about my writing lately. I want honest feedback. If it's bad, I'd like to know.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the source of your doubt?
DeleteI think all creative people experience self-doubt from time to time. Usually it's what ends up making us better at what we love to do. (Words of sage wisdom from non-expert me!)
Your story has started off great and you have a lot of questions that your readers will start to want answers to. That's your challenge now. (Again, sage advice from someone who's never actually written a word of fiction!)
Kirani, you need to loosen up, find your 'writer's voice' that is unique to you. I found this very rigid as a beginning, but clearly there is a story to be told. All you have to do is listen to your inner voice--and let it out. ":) ~R
ReplyDelete